When Itachi got a clue
by TenshiXXX
Summary: ...Or when Kisame and Itachi realised that sex would be better together, and that Kisame was packin'. Birthday fic for ICHIGO-ANDO-HIME! KisaIta


When Itachi first saw him, his initial thought was _I dislike that man._

His second thought, of course, was _Why? _The little hussy wasn't doing anything wrong, unless you counted showing an obscene amount of flesh as _wrong_. Which it wasn't. At least, not in the shinobi world.

Itachi couldn't understand it. It couldn't possibly be the way that the man had draped himself over Kisame, painted finger nails lightly grazing along Itachi's partner's-

The glass in Itachi's hand shattered. Thankfully, even in moments of anger, Itachi reflexively manipulated circumstances so that he wouldn't bring harm upon himself, and his thin hand remained unscathed. He stared at the mess he made with scarlet eyes, yet he did not see it. His vision blurred as he let himself be enveloped by his own thoughts, allowing the crushed glass trickle from his fist like sand.

Being extremely intelligent, Itachi decided that he was acting almost jealous. But, being also extremely stubborn, he then decided that any thoughts of him _desiring _a guy who looked like the love child of a barbarian and a sea monster were absolutely preposterous. There was nothing attractive about Kisame, as far as Itachi could tell. His body was muscular and the epitome of masculinity, and perhaps his good-humoured personality was appealing, and _maybe _his voice sounded rather nice under the right circumstances...

It appeared that there were many things that Itachi found attractive about Hoshigaki Kisame. But finding somebody attractive and actually desiring them were two different things entirely.

Itachi rather liked denial land. He was happy to stay there...until Kisame smirked _just so _at the man-whore, and jealousy reared its head. Itachi had never received such a look from his partner, despite the many years they had worked together. It made his stomach twist unpleasantly, and he ordered a glass of red wine. The woman behind the bar smiled flirtatiously at him. His response was a cool glare.

Itachi would have been willing to let that man-whore live if it hadn't chosen that moment to climb onto Kisame's lap. That was when Itachi decided that enough really was enough.

Getting to his feet, he made his way across the room to Kisame's side and raised an eyebrow at the slut's behaviour. Kisame spotted him and grinned.

"Hey Itachi," he said.

"Would you like me to neuter it?" Itachi said bluntly. Kisame looked incredibly confused.

"Pardon?" he asked. He was always so polite, even when butchering somebody. Itachi chose to see that as a good point. Afterall, it showed that he respected his opponents...in a way.

"That, on your lap," Itachi pointed, his perfectly manicured purple nail glinting. "Would you like me to neuter it?"

It was worth it just to see Kisame's uncharacteristic grimace of embarrassment, and the hussy's shocked face.

"Excuse me?" the slut asked. Kami-sama, he had a lisp. Itachi levelled him with a blank stare.

"What gives you the right to talk to me like that?" the hussy practically screamed, attracting the attention of several patrons of the bar. The bartender, the woman who had attempted to hit on Itachi, sneered as she served a group of young females.

"Is there a law to say that I cannot?" Itachi said, unfazed, "Even if there was a law, I would likely disregard it,"

The hussy glared at him as the tension mounted. Kisame coughed awkwardly. And Itachi sat down across from them, sipping his red wine. He had been told that he looked particularly breath-taking when he sipped scarlet liquid. Kisame's _friend_ stared at him for a while. Itachi was pleased. Maybe now Kisame would see that this...person was a piece of slime that Kisame really shouldn't be associated with. Apart from the fact that he was likely riddled with venereal diseases, he was encroaching on what was _Itachi's, _and that wasn't ok.

"What was I saying?" the man muttered finally, shaking his head.

"You were considering whether you should leave," Itachi said helpfully, tracing the rim of his wine glass with one slender finger.

"No, I wasn't," the man sniffed, looking supremely interested in Itachi now, "You know-"

"I am not interested," Itachi responded, "I would rather not contract syphilis,"

That seemed to be the last straw. With a screech of outrage, the man-whore leapt to his feet and stalked out of the bar, leaving an awkward silence in his wake. Kisame looked angry. Itachi wasn't fazed. Kisame would never _harm _him. And that disgusting creature couldn't possibly have meant anything to him...right?

"It's the same everywhere we go," Kisame muttered, throwing down a few notes.

"I'm afraid that I do not know what you are talking about," Itachi said airily as they got up to leave.

"I don't know why you get so pissed at my lovers," Kisame said as they walked into the cool night air. It was raining, fat droplets thundering down.

"I would be most disappointed if my partner was to die from something so unsavoury as a sexually transmitted disease," Itachi responded.

Kisame stopped abruptly. At first, Itachi didn't notice. But then he realised that he was walking alone. Turning, he looked at Kisame. Kisame's eyes were shadowed, and it was difficult to tell what he was thinking. This unsettled Itachi. He didn't like being unable to read people.

"That's not the reason," Kisame said suddenly. In the quiet of the cold, rainy night, his voice was almost unnaturally loud. Itachi remained silent, the rain drumming down on his head.

"You know that I use protection," Kisame said slowly, walking forwards. His face remained shadowed, much to Itachi's consternation.

"What do you mean?" Itachi asked, honestly bemused.

"You don't hate my lovers because you're concerned that they'll give me some horrific disease," Kisame said, "You hate them _because _they're my lovers,"

Itachi said nothing.

"You cost me a night of sex because you were _jealous_," Kisame growled, sounding angry.

"I suppose that is one way of looking at it," Itachi conceded, inclining his head. Kisame stepped into the orange glow of a lamp post and Itachi...

..._froze_.

Truly, how could he have ever tried to convince himself that Kisame was unattractive? As animalistic as he was, he was certainly a sight to behold. Only people with eccentric tastes had ever found Kisame attractive. And Itachi had never claimed to be normal.

The orange light made Kisame look like a bronze statue. He had foregone his cloak for the night, choosing to wearing a simple black tank top and some standard shinobi pants with sandals. His muscles were practically on display, his biceps bulging and corded. The rain had slicked his skin and hair, making him glisten. His resemblance to a bronze statue was growing by the minute.

But then he moved, and the illusion was shattered.

"You've ruined my night, Itachi," Kisame said. Itachi noted that he had dropped the customary suffix.

"I apologise," he said, knowing that he certainly didn't sound it.

"You're not sorry," Kisame said, "But you will be,"

Itachi felt a strange dropping sensation in his stomach that could only be attributed to hurt. Was Kisame actually _threatening_ him?

"What do you mean?" Itachi asked. Kisame continued to walk towards him. He was confident that he would be able to defeat Kisame in battle, but he would be greatly saddened if it ever came to that.

Itachi watched Kisame come closer, his scarlet Sharingan gleaming like a pair of cat's eyes. There was nothing in Kisame's chakra to suggest that he was a threat.

Itachi had not realised that Kisame could move so fast. Having become accustomed to having Kisame nearby, and believing that he wasn't a threat, Itachi had let his guard down enough for Kisame to slam him into a rough, dirty alley wall.

"Kisame," Itachi warned, unafraid.

"Yes?" Kisame answered. Even his grin was shark-like. Itachi suddenly understood what it must feel like to be a mouse being played with by a tom cat. And what happens to a mouse after the cat is done playing?

Kisame's mouth slammed onto his with the force of a punch, his sharp teeth nipping Itachi's lip slightly as he devoured Itachi's mouth. Itachi could do nothing more than arch against the muscular body pressed against him. Kisame chuckled into his mouth.

With a groan, Itachi wrapped his arms around Kisame's shoulders, and placed his legs on Kisame's shoulders, to Kisame's surprise. Itachi had to be in control to some extent, and could not deal with being the only one out of his depth.

"Itachi?" Kisame said, pulling way momentarily. He looked extremely shocked. Itachi smirked.

"Are you not going to finish what you began, Kisame?" Itachi breathed into his ear, Kisame's eyes immediately hardening. That had galvanised him into action.

"But Itachi," Kisame said mockingly. He nibbled on Itachi's ear hotly, "I haven't even begun yet,"

Itachi shuddered in Kisame's grasp, feeling Kisame's cock graze his through their pants. Neither of them had worn underwear, and Itachi didn't know whether he regretted it or not when Kisame yanked his trousers down to his knees and roughly groped one firm ass cheek. Itachi let out a long, drawn out moan as Kisame bit his neck, puncturing the skin cleanly. The sharp sting was a beautiful contrast to the heat of Kisame's hand pinching his backside.

"You like pain, Itachi?" Kisame asked rhetorically, pulling back. Itachi nevertheless shook his head. He didn't like _pain._ He just liked the sensation of Kisame biting him. There was something to primal yet sensual about the act.

The rain was hammering down on them now. Yet Itachi barely noticed that he was soaked to the skin and cold. The rain ran down his face and over his tightly clenched eyelids as he lunged, kissing Kisame desperately. His 200-odd IQ points were null and void at the moment. He could barely tell where he was.

When Kisame roughly shoved a finger into Itachi's body, he could not ignore the fact that it hurt. But, being a seasoned shinobi, he was able to handle extreme pain well. This little burning twinge was hardly anything in comparison. Two fingers hurt little more, although Itachi wished that Kisame had used something more than rain water to slick them. He was a little annoyed that he wasn't _seeing stars_ as some people claimed. Logically, there had to be something more to it for people to like it as much as they did.

"You're not doing it right," Itachi said. Kisame's beady eyes narrowed. It looked as though he had taken Itachi's complaint as a challenge.

The speed at which Kisame began to thrust his fingers felt rather pleasant. And then, _oh_, there were those elusive stars exploding in front of his eyes. His head fell backwards as he writhed in Kisame's grip. The sadistic part of him hoped that the slut would come back and see that he was no longer considered worthy of Kisame's time. Not that he ever had been, in Itachi's eyes.

"Yesssss," Itachi hissed as Kisame forced another finger in. The stretch felt almost unbearably good.

"Wanna try for a forth?" Kisame grinned, "I don't mean to brag, but...,"

He shifted his hips against Itachi's bare ass, letting Itachi feel the unmistakable size of his cock. Itachi was unsure about whether he would actually be able to wrap one hand around it, and it was almost as long as his forearm. He fervently hoped that Kisame wouldn't be expecting oral sex any time soon.

"So...four?" Kisame asked, nudging his clothed erection against Itachi's hole. Itachi shuddered.

"If you think that would be best," Itachi nodded, fighting the urge to open his legs further. He was almost too aware that, given his strong thigh muscles, he would tear his pants, and he did not want to sneak back to the hotel without his pants on. Furthermore, such an action would cause Itachi to feel promiscuous.

"Should I try for a whole hand?" Kisame grinned. Itachi shot him a withering glare.

"Don't exaggerate," Itachi said, "You're not so large," Plus, Itachi was convinced that he would have to wear a diaper if Kisame attempted such a feat. Four fingers was a lot different from a whole hand and wrist.

"Yeah, but it would be hot though," Kisame responded, yanking his fingers out and opening his fly. Itachi's ass clenched with delicious anticipation as Kisame pulled out his enormous erection and spat on his hand, slicking it up.

"So this is the reason you are able to attract so many willing partners," Itachi mused, ignoring Kisame's glare. That is, until Kisame pressed close to him, their foreheads touching.

"For that," Kisame growled, "I'm not going easy on you,"

With one tremendous, pistoning thrust, he was seated balls-deep inside Itachi, whose nails were digging into Kisame's back. It may not have hurt like having your nails ripped our or your skin torn off, but the pain was enough. His eyes closed, but not before he saw something that looked rather like regret in Kisame's eyes. That had definitely torn something.

"This is your first time," Kisame pointed out. Itachi opened his eyes and glared.

"_First time_?" he scoffed, "I am not a woman,"

"No," Kisame said slowly, "But it probably hurts more because of that,"

"I'm a shinobi," Itachi pointed out.

"Just because you can _handle _pain, that doesn't mean that I should _give _you pain,"

Itachi didn't have a response to that. He ruthlessly extinguished that little tendril of warmth he felt at the thought of Kisame actually _caring_. _He _was the protector. He needed not Kisame's protection. He allowed his beloved brother, his village, _the world_, to hate him so that he could continue with that role. He had martyred himself, and for what? But, in the end, it had been _worth it_...

"Are you crying?" Kisame asked softly.

"It's raining," Itachi snapped.

"Your eyes are red,"

Itachi shot him a withering glare.

"It's not from Sharingan," Kisame said.

"It's not from crying either," Itachi snapped, "Now moved, before I cut it off,"

"Whatever you say," Kisame said with a small grin. It looked as though he was letting Itachi have his way.

The first thrust was hell. The second thrust was probably purgatory. The third was absolute heaven. Kisame was good at everything he did. Itachi decided that he should have realised that it extended to the bedroom aswell. Or, rather, the alleyway. Itachi had the bizarre urge to laugh, but he was unable to do more than grunt in pleasure at every inward thrust. The retreat was nice too, rubbing his insides pleasantly.

"Having fun?" Kisame muttered devilishly. Itachi couldn't even summon up a glare. Nor could he keep his eyes open as Kisame suddenly sped up his thrusts. The hammered into him with the force of a pneumatic drill, striking his prostate with precision. The grunts became garbled shouts and gasps as he fought to catch his breath. His thighs were crushed against his abdomen as his legs remained slung over Kisame's shoulders, his nails scrabbling against Kisame's broad back.

Despite this, he was able to open his eyes enough to catch sight of that man from the bar, staring at them with open-mouthed jealousy. Itachi smirked through bliss, pressing a kiss to Kisame's collar bone. It took a supreme amount of effort to do so, but he managed it. He didn't notice that man had stayed to watch, because he could do no more than slump limply and allow Kisame to use his body for pleasure.

Then Kisame's hands went to work, and Itachi realised that he hadn't know the meaning of ecstasy up until now. His nipples were pinched roughly through his top, his thighs stroked, his ass groped, his cock caressed...

"K-Kisame!" he almost sobbed, unable to do anything more. His impressive vocabulary didn't appear so impressive right now.

"Yes?" Kisame asked. Although he laughed, his voice trembled slightly, a fact which Itachi took comfort it. At least Kisame was _somewhat _effected.

Itachi was unable to say more. At that moment, without warning, his orgasm exploded out of him. It felt like being turned inside out, only much much _much_ better. His pants caught the majority of his ejaculation, something Itachi decided Kisame should thank him for.

Itachi felt like a boneless sack of flesh as he came down from his sexual high. Spasms of pleasure-pain spread through his body as Kisame continued to thrust madly, grunting unidentifiable phrases to himself, until, finally, Kisame growled Itachi's name and came. Knowing that Kisame had such a large penis, Itachi wondered whether the sheer amount of come that had filled his body could be attributed to that. As Kisame pulled out, it dribbled down Itachi's thighs in literal rivulets. But he didn't mind. At least, not until a voice broke the almost-silence.

"Ok, that was fucking hot!" the slut proclaimed. Apparently, he had never left. Itachi couldn't summon up the strength to say anything in response.

"If you ever feel like having a threesome-" the slut continued. Itachi _did _manage to summon up the strength to respond to _that_.

"Go away," he snapped moodily. Kisame chuckled in his ear.

"Do you want to pull your pants up, or should I?" he asked. Itachi sighed and leaned his head against Kisame's shoulder, still in that same position.

"I'll take that as a yes," Kisame said, helping an unsteady Itachi to his feet so that he could make him semi-decent again.

"Need carrying?"

"No,"

"You can barely stand, let alone walk," Kisame pointed out with a grin.

"...If anybody sees us, I'll personally castrate you," Itachi warned.

"I don't think your kunai is strong enough to cut steel," Kisame responded rather crudely.

"Perhaps, but Amaterasu could definitely melt it,"

Kisame's response was a wince.

* * *

**Guynan! Happy Birthday! I hope you're ok with this being late. But I've done it now. Is it to your tastes, Madame?**

**Say no, and I'll bombard your Wall with Twilight quotes! :D Yes, I am that evil. I would make a helluva good dictator.**

**Please R&R!**

**By the way...I'm joking about the Twilight quotes. I'm not so cruel.**

**Ja ne, all!**

**TenshiXXX**


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